2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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