well I can't set my house on fire every night
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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