I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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