Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
