The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
