dude i'm inner monologue high
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Randomize
