rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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