My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
