I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
