Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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