I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
it hurts more in the daytime
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
