I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
