i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
