Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
