just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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