Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize