Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
