Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
