she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Randomize
