Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
