im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I love you.
Bad choice
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Two words: nipple clamps
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