remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
