I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
