I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
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