at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
