Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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