New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
