I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Randomize
