This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
