A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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