Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
