he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
