paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
