I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Randomize
