my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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