This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
