Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
