oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize