I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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