Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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