...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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