so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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