I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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