hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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