So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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