i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
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