Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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