I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
