i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
soo... how was my night?
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