My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Randomize
