My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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