i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
