you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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