The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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