Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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