Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
