Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
