guys are only as good as the porn they watch
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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