there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize