omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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