Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
